My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*