@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

@MrFornicator

People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.

@HatfieldAnne

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

@PaulGibson1963

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

@treydayway

Just calculated my BMI and found out I should be 47ft tall.

@10InchesPlus

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time