My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
You Might Also Like
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
scared to check what name she chose
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?