Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
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[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
At least try to make it slightly believable
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.