My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
You Might Also Like
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.