My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
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Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.