Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.