Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
My neighbor’s polishing his car like a genie’s gonna pop out of it & grant him something that’s not a Camry.
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Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence
are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
My dogs: Get up and feed us.
Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.
My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug
[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university