My neighbor’s polishing his car like a genie’s gonna pop out of it & grant him something that’s not a Camry.

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Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.


Facebook: “Do you want to tag Jennifer in this Picture?”
Me: Hmmmm. does it make her look fat? Then yes, yes I do.


Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.


if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence


are u in love with me? no?? *slides u a chocolate pudding* how about now?


I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.


First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.


My dogs: Get up and feed us.

Me: It’s Saturday. We don’t need to be up yet.

My dogs: Don’t make us get the cat…


[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university