My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse


[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?


I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.


First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.


College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.


So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response


You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.


Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone


Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.