My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
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why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”