My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
You Might Also Like
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.