@IamEveryDayPpl

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

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@CruisinSoozan

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

@burntmybagel

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

@pilau

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@1_swarthy_dude

[texting]

HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@simoncholland

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.