*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality
*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[drops phone in toilet]
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.