@IamEveryDayPpl

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

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@iamspacegirl

*brain waking up*
oh god please not again I can’t keep existing in this reality

*brain 20 minutes later*
1000000 chameleons is a chamillion

@LloBrow

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@pilau

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

@69hunna

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@TheIronSherk

You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.