If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
You Might Also Like
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
N: SeNd NeWDs
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.