My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
#titanic
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.