My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
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Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?