@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

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@Quartzjixler

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

@sarabellab123

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

@hpb777

A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

@NapVeg

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

@SteveSuckington

[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter]

Him: Hey sweetie how’ve you been?

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: lmao

*my daughter and I high five*

@81I2

Kiss her in the middle of her sentence

chicks dig when you visit them in jail

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?