@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

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@I_Bl33d_Purple

No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.

@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@yerpalmildsauce

In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.

@Ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

@215potter

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

@chunkbardey

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

@MandiAtRandom

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

@I_am_carbs

[police lineup]

COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card

ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?

WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer

@RunwayDan

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.