@I_Bl33d_Purple
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
@JohnLyonTweets
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
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@I_Bl33d_Purple
@wolfpupy
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
@yerpalmildsauce
In Heaven all your lost pets are sitting around waiting to see you again. “I wish he’d die,” says Cupcake. They all nod.
@Ristolable
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
@215potter
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
@AllanForsyth
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
@chunkbardey
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
@MandiAtRandom
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@I_am_carbs
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
@RunwayDan
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.