I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music
My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
me: would you like beans?
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”