@Bluestmoon_

My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?

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@steeve_again

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

@rickolantern

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

@TheTweetOfGod

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

@iRowlf

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

@QwertyJones3

[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.

Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.

@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@freedom2726

OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?

No, you shut up.

@Skoog

[roleplaying]

her: this is weird

me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”

her: [dressed as the feather duster] no