Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My neighbors wifi isn’t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.
Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
OMG. What if “Shut up” isn’t such a persuasive argument after all?
No, you shut up.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“Are you ok?” “No, I’m bleeding because its fun.”