So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Brilliant!
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia