Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
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If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.