My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.