My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
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If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.