@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

@noog

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.

@salamingia

As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.

@portmanteauface

“This is where the magic happens”

– cliché
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard

“Welcome to the jungle”

– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants

@hayes_t_r

Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.

Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.

@valerie_tosi

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.