I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
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Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.
PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.
As you can tell by my wrinkled shirts, I’m bad at irony.
“This is where the magic happens”
– kinda pervy
– false as you are not a wizard
“Welcome to the jungle”
– metal af
– implies excellent musical taste
– accurate as you are 40 and live alone amongst myriad houseplants
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Chemists do tell jokes, but there’s no reaction because all their people skills Argon.
Omg, that’s Sodium funny, right? Na? Okay.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.