“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.