Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My neighbour is on his front porch wearing a Halloween mask and oven mitts while trying to remove a wasps nest. This should be interesting.
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I’ve been in line at the DMV for 1.5 hrs so my distaste for the general population is at an all time high right now.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“When you wish upon a star, it takes trillions of years for the wish to get there, and by that stage you’re dead.” – Neil deGrasse Tyson.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn’t them.