Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
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People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall