My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.


You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.


Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.


College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.


Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*