You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
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Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
White Castle for the Win
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
look at me when i’m typing to you
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”