me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?
My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.
me never admitting when i’m wrong
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.