My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

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me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?


searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do


If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.


I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.


CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.


WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree


The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.