@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour is outside, trying to see inside his gas tank using a lighter. Apparently, gasoline isn’t flammable anymore.

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@bombsydoll

me: I know it’s over, but can I have one last hug? Please?
Him: *moves closer. stops & sniffs* omg are you covered in superglue?

@aguywithnolife

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

@_Kim_Jongun

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

@UncleDuke1969

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

@Home_Halfway

WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.