HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
8 out of 6 people think I’m terrible at math.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[at the club]
Her: C’mon, lets dance!
Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”