@GoldenSpirals

My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.

You Might Also Like

@DanMentos

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@torrami

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

@shariv67

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”

@Jennuflect

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

@MavenofHonor

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

@dumbbeezie

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

@FeverFlave

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.