“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.
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I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.