Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
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When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.