my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
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I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.