Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Maybe I’m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.