My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I’m having an out of money experience.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”