Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You Might Also Like
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Um … Hot Wings please
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.