My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Lmaoo 😂
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism