I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon
Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week
oh you wanna fight?!
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?