@scarlettwith2ts
I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity
@PhuktUpScott
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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@scarlettwith2ts
@TheTweetOfGod
NEW EXPRESSIONS
“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”
@MissSassy_Pants
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
@roostermustache
Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon
Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week
Biden:
@RoxyTall
oh you wanna fight?!
@dyldonot
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
@LowIifee
I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100
@joeislamo
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
@david8hughes
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
@BurgerKing
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?