@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

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@scarlettwith2ts

I’m not having a hot girl summer I’m having beautiful but delicate Victorian wife summer where I lie in bed for extended periods of time staring at wallpaper and slowly losing grip of my sanity

@TheTweetOfGod

NEW EXPRESSIONS

“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”

@MissSassy_Pants

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

@roostermustache

Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon

Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you’ll get no tv for a week

Biden:

@dyldonot

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

@LowIifee

I like staying in because soon as I step outside I spend $100

@joeislamo

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

@david8hughes

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

@BurgerKing

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?