My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.


To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”


Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.


My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”


My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*



ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog


Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.

Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”


My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.


taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.