@PhuktUpScott

My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.

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@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@CatstreyDave

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

@ohheyohhihello

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

@dafloydsta

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

@shannonrwatts

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

@hunbothered

Her: “For our anniversary my husband is letting me choose between a romantic trip to a secluded mountain cabin or private scuba diving.

Me: “Oh, what a sweetheart. I know the exact outfit I’m going to wear when Dateline interviews me about your “accident.”

@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

@NurseMurderer

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.