Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Dear Lord..
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?