Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
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Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That