[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
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All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.