Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you