[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…
My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.
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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.