@LeoLion_16

My neighbours loved that song so much, they threw a rock in my window to hear it better.

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@jazmasta

[meeting to name the brownie]
“How about baked chocolate cake?”
“Nah”
“Yummy choccy bake?”
“No”
Guy who named the orange: I have an idea…

@tchrquotes

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

@KevinFarzad

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

@ConanOBrien

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@matt___nelson

DOG 911: what’s your emergency?

DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller

DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY

@aksorojas

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.