They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.