@skullpuppy11

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

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@rickolantern

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

@WilliamAder

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

@squirrel74wkgn

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

@Just_Lee_

Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.

@howe007

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

@DaddyJew

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

@thatcarlygirl

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.