My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

You Might Also Like


Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.


Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.


[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS


Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!


Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.


Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways


[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”


Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.