Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
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Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I missed you with all my darts
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Don’t say you love me unless you have bought me a miniature donkey. Without the donkey, they are just empty, meaningless words.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.