If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn’t Find A Condom). I hope it catches on…
My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.
You Might Also Like
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?
Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
I sleep with a Bible under my pillow in case anyone wants to break in and accept Jesus Christ as their lord and personal savior
I accidentally walked into the women’s room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn’t be awkward.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.
Saying “excape “makes me wanna stab you in the “exophagus”.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher