@EtobicokeErnie

My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

@TheBoydP

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

@Prero22

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

@ManvAlcohol

What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@YAppelbaum

Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”

@GetCougarized

Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

@katlamcglynn

Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”