Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday