GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
My neighbour’s son is trying to put whipped cream on his cat. I’m thinking he overheard something last night that he wasn’t supposed to.
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“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I like long walks away from everyone