Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
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BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
the #horror is real!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.