My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
So creative 😂
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no