My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…


me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock


Cop: have you been drinking tonight?

Me: no sir

Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated


I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.


“Instagram announced they will allow users to see who viewed their profile…”
*wakes up in cold sweat*


If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”


Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED


Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.


Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.