My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

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Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.


oh youโ€™re rich? name every number on your credit card.


sometimes i cry when i chop vegetables other than onions, just so the onions don’t think they’re ugly or something


“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.


You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.


Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”


Me: You’re the only one who truly gets me.
Chipotle guy: What?
Me: I said chicken. Chicken burrito.


I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.


When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK