What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
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Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.