@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

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@MomOnFire

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

@samdunsiger

ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

@Shade510

Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.

@TweatingForTwo

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

@robyndwoskin

“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints