@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

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@KielyHealey

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

@imence2

“I’m sure if I show my gf my Twitter, she’ll understand it’s just for fun.”

Said a bunch of now single guys.

@Darlainky

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

@TheToddWilliams

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

@obijawn

Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@geowizzacist

My 3yo: Help I dropped a coin in the toilet come and get it out.

Me (looks): I can’t see anything in there.

3: That’s because I flushed.

@darksidedeb

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

@summerofbenny

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.