@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
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@DepecheALAmode: I bet Matt McConaughey isnt aware he's in movies. His agent drops him off & hes like "Ha-Allright..this is my life now? Cool camera broski!"
@IvoryGazelle: [inventing tupperware] make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
@thrillhicks: How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?