My nephew asked, “What’s the secret to a long life?” I said, “Never order vegetarian in Texas”

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So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.


ME: There’s something fishy going on here.

YOU: It’s just an aquarium.

ME: Exactly.


What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?


Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.


Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.


Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.


The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.


“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints