Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
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“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Boom, boom, ching!
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
the three branches of government
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.