My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?

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“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”


Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick



[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*


[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!


“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake


Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.


Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?




So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!


Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway


My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.


‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’