i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.
My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.
Wife: I sure do.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Sees apostrophe after noun
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!