Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@nextpotmodel_

i blame everything on the illuminati. stale bread? illuminati.

@DocBrown21

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@treadmilld

Me: Babe will you love me when I’m old & fat.

Wife: I sure do.

@NewYorker

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

@BucketheadCase

Sees apostrophe after noun

@TweetsByTheTony

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

@SortaBad

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

@pilau

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

@Gupton68

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!