“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
My nephew didn’t cry when Mufasa died so I stopped the movie. What is wrong with kids of today?
You Might Also Like
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?
me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’