Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.

Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

The booster protects against what, now?

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.

Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!

Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.