My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

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God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.


Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.


met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it


Wife: *falls in volcano*

Me: You ok, honey?

Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?



All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat


*widow rolls eyes*


I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.


Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.


So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*


BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.


“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”

-second degree burn


Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.