God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
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met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*widow rolls eyes*
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.
Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.