Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
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yall want some gasoline milk
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana