Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho
There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..
Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?
Me: Good talk
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?