@In_A_YamChele

my nephew is 13 and starting to ask girls on dates. so he asked my brother what was the best way to ask a girl on a date and he told him to find something they were both interested in and ask if she wanted to do it.
so my nephew asked the girl if she liked chicken nuggets.

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@NewDadNotes

Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?

Me: the hospital.

Wife: what happened?

Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.

Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.

Me:

Wife:

Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho

@NervousJr

There’s awkward, and then there’s listening to a man try to have a conversation with his hairdresser.

@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@fightforfood

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

@SaulOdenkirk

Boss: You drink everyday and I think you need an intervention..

Me: I work everyday so I should quit that too?

Boss: No..

Me: Good talk

@TheUnderfold

Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.

Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.

Wife: *fans herself*

@Cali_Kid_Mike

Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means “Doing the Facebook”. Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?