Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
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hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
dogs can find happiness so easily
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
how was your vacation
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins