My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
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My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
This is hilarious….
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter