one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him
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I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance
New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home
Having a kid really mellowed God out.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
When you turn 18 and start life for real.