@notzuunk

my nephew turns 3 this august but since money tight we just not gone tell him

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@jonnysun

one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”

@NintenDom

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

@pixelatedboat

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

@AristotlesNZ

Old Testament: Death, plagues, vengeance

New Testament: Forgiveness, love, wants you to call home

Having a kid really mellowed God out.

@SortaBad

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

@gayIorswift13

At one of her meet and greets, Taylor Swift met a young boy who complimented her writing. He went on to say that he also wanted to be a writer, but his friends bullied him for it. Taylor made him promise to ignore them and follow his dreams.
That boy’s name? William Shakespeare.

@FilthyRichmond

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@_ElvishPresley_

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil