my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.