@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

@SmiggieBalls2

*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

@MythicPicnic

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

@Browtweaten

“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service

@MsCassieDaniels

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

@TheMichaelRock

My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@SortaBad

Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats

@super_morgasm

Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.