@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

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@her_he_man

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

@GawdOffalTweets

Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@SamGrittner

Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@AnkCoupleTO

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

@gianni_bcn

Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

@junejuly12

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.