Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
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Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
-Canadian rap battle
“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven
*Gets hit by a water ballon*
Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.