my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

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Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.


*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
“no gramps”
*pulls the plug*
“yours does.”


I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


“You’ve put on weight”:

– Rude
– Causes sadness
– Sadness leads to overeating

“Your Thiccness Rank™ went up”:

– Seems flattering
– Who doesn’t like some curves
– Wait, like military rank?
– Captain Clapcheeks at your service


A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.


My wife sent me to the store to buy shampoo, conditioner, lotion and condoms. I’m pretty sure the cashier thinks I’m making a girlfriend.


Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!


Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats


Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.