my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

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Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero


Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?

Me: how can I trust you anymore


Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway


Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.


“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you


Jesus: Unless you become like children you will not enter heaven

*Gets hit by a water ballon*

Jesus: That’s not what I meant, Paul


If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.


After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.