Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.