running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Going into Monday like
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?