@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”

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@PetrickSara

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

@DrBacos

Shoutout to my Cold War reenactment group! We’re just a bunch of chill white guys, sitting at a table, acting stressed about the USSR.

@seamussaid

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

@Rollmaninoz

Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?

@ChaseMit

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

@Marlebean

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

@KenJennings

“Ten years ago, we had no Jobs, no Hope, and no Cash!” –cemeteries

@licensedtoverb

Maybe I’ll starting bringing a spray bottle and treat them like misbehaving cats.

“NO!” *Shoots person in face*