If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
your honor my client chooses dare
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?