Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
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Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.