My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur


Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close


*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”


If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.


[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep


Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…


Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?

Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger


Listening to coworkers try and explain Fight Club to another coworker and all I could think was “we really shouldn’t be talking about this”.


her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes


My doctor said i shouldn’t just binge drink all weekend. I tried taking his advice but can’t drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every day.