If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.
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Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My targeted ads keep trying to sell me a new mattress. Come on, Google. Stop pretending like you don’t know exactly how much I have in the bank right now. Send me an ad for $5 footlongs or bulk rice or something.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
*cries in student*
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.