I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run