@trumpetcake

My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

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@thepunningman

CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight

@robyn_vo

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

@ClichedOut

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

@BoucheDag2k

Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win

@LlamaInaTux

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath