My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you

You Might Also Like


CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight


According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.


ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please


Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.


Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this


Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win


The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath