CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My new coloring book, How To Tell The Woman You Love You’ve Been Living In Her Shrubs For A Year, comes out on tUESsdhay martha i love you
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According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I’ll stab someone if they hurt my kids. Or touch my nachos.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Me: I love you with my hole heart.
Wife: Wrong hole.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
billy joel: she’s an uptown girl
me: where has she been living
billy joel: ur not gonna believe this
Just went to the mens room & came out to an empty office. Either the building is on fire or there is cake in the break room. Win/win
The Seven Deadly Sins:
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’